The enemies-to-lovers trope is as popular as it is fun, and it consists of (yeah, no secret there) two characters that start off being enemies (or not seeing eye to eye with each other, or hating one another, or being rivals) but end up being very in love with each other. There are uncountable examples:
- The 15 Best Movies that Feature the Enemies to Lovers Trope
- The 10 Best Enemies-to-Lovers Couples on TV, Ranked
- 24 Of The Best Enemies-To-Lovers TV Couples Of All Time
Am I comparing romantic couples to PMs and stakeholders? Yes, I am. But before the HR folks reading this start bleeding internally, let me clarify: I am not suggesting that you romantically seduce your stakeholders (please don’t do that). I want to highlight that the most difficult stakeholders can become your most powerful partners if you manage the situation well.
What is a difficult stakeholder, anyway?
Well, to start with, a stakeholder is someone who is affected by your project/product or someone who can influence your project/product. A difficult stakeholder may be demanding, constantly disagrees, and quickly escalates or complains to leadership. Keeping a difficult stakeholder satisfied is quite challenging.
You may see the stakeholder as difficult, but rest assured that the stakeholder sees you as difficult as well, if not something else way less gentle. You and your stakeholder are like Elizabeth Bennet and Mr. Darcy, Maria and Captain Von Trapp, Veronica Mars and Logan Echolls, Clarke and Lexa. I could go on for a while, lol.
Anyway, remember that, as a PM, it is your responsibility to start building bridges, but it’ll be a dance where the other person has a part to play.
What is it that you both have in common?
In TV shows, movies, and books, the characters are forced to work together toward an objective: defeat the enemy, find a treasure, win a competition, solve a murder, etc.
In our case, you and your stakeholder want the project/product to succeed. No stakeholder wakes up in the morning thinking: “Let’s see how I can be a very difficult person today.” Stakeholders are difficult because they genuinely care, and that is the most important thing you will ever have in common. You both care, and as you both care, it’s the perfect opportunity to build a partnership. But how?
Build trust, duh!
As the characters in tv shows and movies work toward the goal, they go from caution and wariness to trust. But you don’t live in a movie, so let’s see some techniques that will help you to build trust with your “difficult” stakeholder:
Listen to them
Remember: they are “difficult” because they care. Take time to understand where they come from, their motivations, and their problems. Let them vent if necessary (while you keep your calm), then ask questions. Show them you genuinely care as well. Emphasize that you have the same goal.
Find a real problem you can solve for them…
… and actually solve it. Start small if you need. It is better to promise something little and deliver than to make a big promise and disappoint. Make it clear that you will keep delivering as you work together toward the same goal. You will build trust little by little.
Communicate constantly
You need to keep listening to them as you work together. You’ll also need to keep negotiating your deliveries, so constant communication is critical. If you need to deliver bad news, constant communication is even more important (see the post about managing crises)
Compile data
Disagreements often appear because of differences in perception. Having objective numbers handy may be extremely useful when that happens. Always be professional and keep your cool, though, don’t rub their noses in it.
And just like that, you are in love!
I mean, you are work partners 🙂
In books, tv shows, and movies, there’s always a breakthrough moment where the characters realize they are in love. Maybe they kiss right away while fans yell in front of the other side of the screen, or maybe they hide it for a bit. I am going to let your imagination fly here.
With your difficult stakeholder, you’ll realize they are no longer difficult. They are someone who trusts you and who you trust in return. They are someone who can help you. Maybe they can give you input on new ideas, introduce you to other people, or ease your way with other stakeholders.
Congratulations! You first had a high-maintenance stakeholder you had to manage closely. Now you have a powerful ally! You still need to keep fostering the partnership by maintaining the trust you both deposited in each other, but you are now in a way better (and more powerful) position as a PM.
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