Am I going to marry him? Of course, I am going to marry him! See, you meet this guy on OkCupid. You have a casual coffee date. You talk, you smile, you scan him mentally and physically to make sure he checks all the boxes -at your age and in New York City you can’t fool around anymore.- You drink, you walk, you have dinner, you kiss, you have sex, then you eat the breakfast he cooks, a tad spicy, but you get used to it after a few weeks, and one day you find yourself naming your imaginary kids in your head -little Lizzy and little Louis.-
That is the same day he sits next to you interrupting your “Bridgertons” re-watching. He sandwiches your hand between his very soft ones, and with a soft and warm voice, he tells you he needs to share something with you about his past and his family. “I am totally ready for this,” you think. You are an open-minded lady who lives in New York City… by choice! You have watched all reality shows and soap operas known to mankind. You can deal with whatever it is that is keeping your beautiful boyfriend up at night.
He tells you his mother’s birthday is next week, and he wants you to go with him to Ohio. He takes a pause, he breathes in, then out, and he says he was adopted as a child by a family of lizards. You hug him as strongly as you can. You want to console him, protect him from further harm. You ask him if he is sure about you two going to Ohio. You are so upset he had to grow up among loveless people, snakes, hyenas. What did he say? Lizards? Well, horrible people, anyway.
You land in Ohio. You are clutching his hand while you wait on the doorstep. He looks at you and smiles. You hear a high-pitched voice saying “coming!” from the inside right before the door opens and you see a six-foot walking green lizard wearing a red dress and a laced white apron. The lizard opens her eyes and arms widely as your boyfriend throws himself forward yelling “mommy!” A second, bigger lizard wearing jeans and a plaid shirt approaches from the background and joins the embrace, waving his wizard tail. The ninety billion neurons in your brain stop dead for a second. Mommy and daddy lizard are now hugging you while your boyfriend smiles proudly. A third, smaller lizard in a bright purple dress enters the scene introducing herself as “the sister.” You are pretty sure her cherry lipstick is now on your cheeks. She suddenly snatches your bag and your coat with her tongue and drops them in a corner. Your boyfriend thanks her profusely, compliments her dress, and starts tickling her lizard belly asking if she is still his little sister. They both end up rolling on the floor laughing. You fear they are going to destroy the living room, but after a short while, mommy lizard separates the two siblings and announces that dinner is ready. She grabs your arm and asks if you like salmon while your boyfriend casually wipes out lizard saliva from his face.
After dinner, your boyfriend takes you to the patio to drink some digestives. God knows you need the limoncello. Mommy and daddy have retired to bed already, but not before reminding you the guest room has a king bed. Wink, then a quick look at your boyfriend, then wink, then wink again, in case you didn’t get it. Your boyfriend says his sister is out there snacking or partying, who knows. You are just happy you have alcohol and time alone with your boyfriend. He is smiling. You have never seen him smiling like that. He looks like he is almost beaming. Oh, he is kneeling!
